One Nation, Indivisible

It's late August, and the Republicans are meeting in Florida to nominate their 2012 Presidential candidate. Next month, the Democrats will do the same in North Carolina. And because American politics has become so scripted and predictable, it's possible to summarize the conventions before they begin, saving time for more important activities like shopping for back to school supplies.

"It's Time to Get America Back On Its Feet Again," also known as "It's Time to Make America Great Again." (Because the Other Guys Screwed it Up)

Apparently, everything we--or the incumbent party--has been doing is wrong and, as a result, we've become a mere shadow of our former self. While it's certainly true that we make collective mistakes and occasionally find ourselves headed in the wrong direction, America generally does a pretty good job taking care of its business and maintaining the whole shining beacon of democracy ideal. We must project a fairly powerful image for people to freeze in the wheel well of an airplane, suffocate in a semitrailer, or drown clinging to a plywood raft trying to get here. 

But not according to the Republicans or Democrats. Perfunctory attention will be paid to where we're going, to our plan for the future. Instead, we believe we'll never be as good as we once were, so our attention will be directed toward replaying the past rather than planning the future. Happy Days--the Richie Cunningham version--are here again, and all will be right with the world. And where did it all go wrong? To listen to them, we're on the road to self-destruction, because, of course, we listened to the Democrats. Or the Republicans. The Democrats, or the Republicans, tried to warn us four years ago, and we didn't listen. So we'd better listen now, or else in four years we'll be on the road to self-destruction because we listened to the Republicans. Or the Democrats. 

See how easy that is? Two conventions, eight days of speeches and photo-ops distilled into one easy lesson: We're in trouble, so listen to the Democrats. Or the Republicans.

And there's still time for school supplies.